Come On Me
by putputters
Summary: This happened because of the strange urge to write about Peter accidentally shooting a web at Wade's crotch. The alternative title: A Sticky Situation.But that's hellaaa corny. And literally accurate.


[In some creepy, abandoned alley at night, Spider-Man confronts a bad guy, who has an automatic machine gun].

"Hey buddy! Can you quit it with the gun?" Peter ducked from a spray of bullets and rolled behind a couple of metal trashcans. He cringed at the smell. 'Ah, superhero life.'

"How 'bout you leave me alone, spider freak?!" was heard before another set of bullets ricocheted off the upper parts of the wall behind Peter.

Peter eyed the trashcan lids beside him and thought, 'What would Captain America do?' He waited for the moment he could act. When the time came, a giddy smile on his face, he grabbed a lid and threw it towards the criminal with gusto.

'Not bad, but I'm not gonna win a discus competition with Cap anytime soon'.

The criminal cursed before there was a loud thwack and Peter heard his body land on the concrete with a heavy thump. Then there was silence.

Was the criminal knocked out?

Peter's head slowly rose up from behind the cover of the trashcans before his Spidey Senses went off. He caught a glimpse of the criminal's smirk before diving back to the floor and narrowly dodging more bullets. The thwack was from the lid hitting a wall; the man only pretended to get hit. Peter groaned. "C'mon, man! That's not nice! Didn't your momma tell you to play nice with others?"

There was laughter, then, "Ain't nobody play nice in the real world, and definitely not the bad guy. This is the easiest way to get what I want."

"That's a shame. Y'ever heard the phrase: you catch more flies with honey than vinegar?" He ignored the guy's response and used the distraction to safely crawl through the shadows to the parked car a couple of feet away from the cans. He perched on top of the car and tried to look as intimidating as possible. "You're going to regret ruining my Friday night." He hoped the dull nightlight would reflect his masks's eyes through the shadows.

The criminal slowly turned towards the car and only managed to fire missed shots towards Peter before the teen leaped and tackled the man to the ground. They rolled for a bit before they each stood up and then the man slammed Peter face-front to the side of the building. He was splayed like a bug on a wall.

Peter snorted. Then he heard a short cracking sound from the web shooter on his left wrist. He narrowed his eyes at it, ignoring the guy repeatedly throwing him against the brick wall. He really hoped it wasn't horribly broken. "Alright, I'm done playing." Peter ceased the wall make-out session and forced the criminal back with his super strength.

The man stumbled and brought up his weapon, but not quickly enough to shoot before Peter raised his left arm and shot a web at his face.

Peter would've been smug about it if his web shooter didn't suddenly turn into a semi-automatic web machine gun with a mind of its own. His shooter shot a bit of webbing out from his wrist every quarter minute or so. His eyes widened as he looked down at his arm. "Whoa whoa whoa there, what are you doing? Ugh." He used his good web shooter to yank the gun away from the criminal and bind his legs together, for now.

"MMM, MMRRMPH-"

"Can't you keep it down, man?! I've got a problem here and I don't need to deal with your sass talk right now!"

Peter tried to ignore the globs of webbing sticking to the wall across from him and looked at the crack that went straight down his left wrist's web shooter. It could be fixed, right? He knocked on it hard with the opposite hand's knuckles.

'I may be a man of science, but the ol' hit-it-to-fix-it always worked when Aunt May messed up the radio and old TV!'

The criminal was hopping up and down, making urgent, almost hysterical, noises.

He growled. "Alright, buddy, I asked you nicely to shut up. No more Mr. Nice Spidey for you!" He finally turned to face the criminal when he noticed that he'd webbed the guy's whole face before; the guy probably couldn't breathe. "Oops. My bad. Here, lemme get that for you-"

There was a flash of red and the shine of a blade before he heard a hard thwap. The criminal's sounds immediately stopped and he dropped like a sack of potatoes to the floor. The body was dragged to the mouth of the alley and it took Peter only half a second to recognize the newcomer, clad in a red and black costume.

"SUP, SPIDEY! Long time no see! How's your sweet spider booty been?"

Peter looked at the merc with incredulous eyes. "Deadpool, did you just KILL him?!"

Deadpool sheathed his katana and bashfully giggled. "Maybe."

"Deadpool..."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Deadpool!"

"ALRIGHT, sheesh! I just knocked him out, don't worry 'bout it, baby boy."

Peter sighed. He was too busy trying not to strangle the obnoxious merc to continue worrying about his malfunctioning web shooter. He made sure to carefully walk over (with one arm pointed at the wall) and rip a hole in the webbing stuck to the criminal's face with his free hand.

Deadpool had finally noticed the continuous shots of web that came from his wrist. He whistled. "Wow Spidey, you havin' some kinda freaky frisky moment? 'Cause those webbing spurts are giving me a naaasty picture (the good kind, of course)! Is it getting hot out here, or is it just you?"

"Please shut up, Deadpool. And don't call them 'spurts'!"

The merc laughed. "But they're white and shootin' the same way my co-"

"NOPE. Stop it there. I don't wanna hear it." He covered an ear with his free hand.

Deadpool smirked. "Why, you don't wanna hear about what happens after I think about you, Spidey?"

It was always like this since Deadpool first came to town on a job, several months ago. Every now and then, the older man would pop up whenever Peter was patrolling and would flirt with and tease him. Lately, he'd been extra dirty with his comments and compliments (was it flattering to be considered 'waaay sexier to have in bed than tacos and chimichangas'?). Peter didn't know what to think about that, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel a bit self-conscious and embarrassed by the man's leers.

He let out a groan of frustration as he made an about face towards Deadpool, who was walking up to him and avoiding being webbed. He held his breath for a moment as the merc got into his space and took his wrist.

"This should do it..." he said before he unsheathed his katana and banged the hilt against the web shooter. Again and again and again.

The blade was too close to his face for Peter's comfort, he made uncomfortable, strangled sounds. "Watch out! Not the face, I'm too pretty for this!"

The merc ignored Peter and banged the hilt against it a few more times before the web shooter stopped.

Peter waited to see if it was officially broken (he could always make a new one, no biggie; it was better than having it malfunction so badly). After a couple of awkward minutes of Deadpool holding his wrist and nothing happening, Peter let out a shaky sigh of relief. He tried to shake off the grip on his arm, suddenly aware of the older man's body heat warming him up through their suits. "Well, I think its life is over now. It served me well. But, uh, yeah, thanks DP... I'm just gonna-"

Deadpool pulled Peter back as he tried to escape. A smile was on his lips. He whispered in a low voice, "Gonna run away, Spidey Baby? How about a kiss, since I fixed it for you?"

Peter was glad his mask covered how red his face got. For a second, he thought about agreeing. And then his brain went into a frenzy, because- did he just think about actually kissing Deadpool?!

If Peter was honest, Deadpool was kind of charming. Peter always immediately rejected the guy's propositions, but not out of disgust. More like denial. In the MAN-he's-crazy-but-I'm-probably-a-bit-freaky-too-for-liking-it kinda way. And maybe he DID think about kissing him, every now and then... Yup.

Peter Parker was pretty much a certified freak (and would very much appreciate getting freaky with DP).

Deadpool grinned and inched a bit closer, letting go of Peter's wrist (and giving him the opportunity to escape! 'Do it, run before it's too late and you embarrass yourself!'). So Peter had a minor freak out and shoved the older male back, leaving his arms lingering in the air for a bit, as if it would keep the merc at a distance for longer. After a moment, his arms were slowly lowering-

And then his web shooter shot at Deadpool's crotch.

The merc's face went blank.

Under the mask, Peter's face went pale.

It was deathly silent.

But then Deadpool's lips curled dangerously.

Peter's eyes widened. "Don't you dare say a thi-"

Deadpool announced, loudly, "WHY SPIDEY, if you wanted to come on me, you just had to ask!"


End file.
